the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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