Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
