is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This is the high leading the old right now
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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