I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
