Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
