so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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