I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
