Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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