you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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