tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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