Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize