There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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