My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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