if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
