I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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