Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
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