I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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