just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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