If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
