is your mom at the bar?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She bit a glass in half.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
