I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
