what day is it and did you see me today?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
