I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
