did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
