She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
