I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
