I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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