You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
