even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
