I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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