need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
