I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
