Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
