I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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