taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
