she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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