The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
