dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
