I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb