I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night