I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome