What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
