I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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