i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
