This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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