I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
