Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
