Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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