i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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