the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I could fuck to npr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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