i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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