Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
