my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
