Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
