I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
