Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
