this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
