Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
