ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
