ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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